When you’ve experienced loss, you kind of feel that it’s not your right to moan about anything pregnancy or baby related.
I feel that I really shouldn’t moan about putting on weight, worries about giving birth, or the fear of sleepless nights.
And actually I don’t really. Yep I’ve moaned to Jay a bit about my growing tummy aching in the night, or not being able to put my socks on without toppling over. But generally I really try and hold on to the memory of how much I wanted and want this, and try and approach even the niggly bits with positivity and awe.
But one thing I struggle to get away from is The Fear. The Fear of CHANGE, and from reading pregnancy forums, I am not alone.
For the last 4 years all I have known is life as a breakfast radio presenter. For the 4 years before that all I knew was working in radio news. And before that 2 universities and a load of different jobs, some in media, some not.
Basically I have worked non-stop since the age of 18.
And now this about to change.
Life as a radio presenter is weird. Brilliant but weird.
We work on a self employed basis, contract to contract. Every year The Fear is there that you may not be renewed, but The Fear is soon replaced by a feeling of calm and safety when you know you’re ok for another year. Even if that does mean getting up at 4am for another 12 months.
I consider myself ridiculously priviledged to have co-hosted a breakfast show. I get to wake people up, play them music and generally muck around and hopefully make them smile for 4 hours a day. It’s also the most legitimate reason EVER to talk too much – which apparently I’ve done since birth. Oh and get paid for it.
So to think that this won’t be the sole purpose of my life anymore, scares me.
Before I go any further, I want to do what I often do during my ramblings, and pre-empt the responses that I will get to this, now;
‘having a baby is the best thing you’ll ever do’
‘there’s more to life than work’
‘you can pick your career up again later on’
‘believe me when your baby is here, all your ambition will disappear anyway’
All of these have been said to me already. And I agree AND disagree with them all in one way or another.
But that doesn’t stop The Fear…
The Fear that I will suddenly only be ‘mum’…
The Fear that people won’t consider me an individual anymore …
The Fear that Jay’s career will fly, whilst mine sits on a back burner …
The Fear that I will lose the art of intelligent conversation and be reduced to a single-minded stream of baby related topics like nipple cream and sleep patterns …
The Fear that after being a ridiculously driven and ambitious human being since aged 5 (when I wanted to be Lois Lane) I will simply melt into a shadow of my former self …
But here’s the tricky bit to get your head round after saying all that ……. all of the above I am also looking forward to WHOLE HEARTEDLY.
I want to be more than just a radio presenter now …
I’m ready to take on the challenge that my body was made for …
I want to have someone in my life who’s needs are more important than my own …
I want to have a reason to get up at 4am other than another drive to work …
I want to be all things. A mother, a radio presenter, a career woman, a good partner/wife, and a happy person.
I think that’s all that any of us want.
And I’m trying to embrace The Fear.
They say do something every day that scares you? Well this impending journey terrifies me.
But I can’t bloody wait.