10 Reasons I’m Irrationally Grumpy Tonight

(Disclaimer: I am 29 weeks pregnant.  I am hormonal.  And yes I know I am lucky/blessed/have no right to moan/not the first woman to be pregnant/first world problems- delete as applicable. But this is MY  blog, so just ssshhhh)

 

 

10 Reasons I’m Irrationally Grumpy Tonight

 

10. Because waking up at 4am, then again at 4pm after accidentally falling asleep is giving me a degree of SAD syndrome.  I hate the world for being so flipping DARK right now.

9. Because I still can’t really work my way round a mac and there are no longer PC’s in this fancy mac house.  I just had to google ‘how to take a screenshot on a mac’.  That has made me irrationally angry at Apple.  And the world.

8. Waking up at 4pm after accidentally falling asleep means I missed pregnancy yoga.  This makes me angry at, well, everyone to be honest.

7. The dog needs to go out for a wee which means I need to get dressed.  Because I put PJ’s on at 2pm because my clothes were too tight.  Yep my special fat pregnant person clothes – too tight.

6. Tax returns.  Times two.

5. My usual tax return lady has left my accountants firm.  I am now having to deal with someone else.  This makes me very grumpy. I don’t want to deal with anyone but my old lady.  Sorry new man.

4. The Google search bar on my phone disappearing.  For no reason.  Where have you gone?  FFS.

3. Two people today saying they can’t believe I still have 11 weeks left and I’m going to be massive  by 40 weeks.  Ta.  Bloody ta.

2. The fact that tonight is hair wash night.  I really really cannot be arsed.

1. Dinner is a defrosting vegetarian chilli from weeks ago.  Nothing could possibly excite me less.

 

Come back tomorrow, hopefully I’ll be in a better mood.  Although can’t guarantee it.

 

Grumpy cat

Grumpy cat

 

The Fear

When you’ve experienced loss, you kind of feel that it’s not your right to moan about anything pregnancy or baby related.

I feel that I really shouldn’t moan about putting on weight, worries about giving birth, or the fear of sleepless nights.

And actually I don’t really.  Yep I’ve moaned to Jay a bit about my growing tummy aching in the night, or not being able to put my socks on without toppling over.  But generally I really try and hold on to the memory of how much I wanted and want this, and try and approach even the niggly bits with positivity and awe.

But one thing I struggle to get away from is The Fear.  The Fear of CHANGE, and from reading pregnancy forums, I am not alone.

For the last 4 years all I have known is life as a breakfast radio presenter.  For the 4 years before that all I knew was working in radio news.  And before that 2 universities and a load of different jobs, some in media, some not.

Basically I have worked non-stop since the age of 18.

And now this about to change.

Life as a radio presenter is weird.  Brilliant but weird.

We work on a self employed basis, contract to contract.  Every year The Fear is there that you may not be renewed, but The Fear is soon replaced by a feeling of calm and safety when you know you’re ok for another year.  Even if that does mean getting up at 4am for another 12 months.

I consider myself ridiculously priviledged to have co-hosted a breakfast show.  I get to wake people up, play them music and generally muck around and hopefully make them smile for 4 hours a day.  It’s also the most legitimate reason EVER to talk too much – which apparently I’ve done since birth.  Oh and get paid for it.

So to think that this won’t be the sole purpose of my life anymore, scares me.

Before I go any further, I want to do what I often do during my ramblings, and pre-empt the responses that I will get to this, now;

‘having a baby is the best thing you’ll ever do’

‘there’s more to life than work’

‘you can pick your career up again later on’

‘believe me when your baby is here, all your ambition will disappear anyway’

All of these have been said to me already.  And I agree AND disagree with them all in one way or another.

But that doesn’t stop The Fear…

The Fear that I will suddenly only be ‘mum’…

The Fear that people won’t consider me an individual anymore …

The Fear that Jay’s career will fly, whilst mine sits on a back burner …

The Fear that I will lose the art of intelligent conversation and be reduced to a single-minded stream of baby related topics like nipple cream and sleep patterns …

The Fear that after being a ridiculously driven and ambitious human being since aged 5 (when I wanted to be Lois Lane) I will simply melt into a shadow of my former self …

But here’s the tricky bit to get your head round after saying all that ……. all of the above I am also looking forward to WHOLE HEARTEDLY.

I want to be more than just a radio presenter now …

I’m ready to take on the challenge that my body was made for …

I want to have someone in my life who’s needs are more important than my own …

I want to have a reason to get up at 4am other than another drive to work …

 

I want to be all things.  A mother, a radio presenter, a career woman, a good partner/wife, and a happy person.

I think that’s all that any of us want.

And I’m trying to embrace The Fear.

They say do something every day that scares you?  Well this impending journey terrifies me.

But I can’t bloody wait.

 

Charlie

x

 

 

Doing what I love

Doing what I love

 

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