The Fear

When you’ve experienced loss, you kind of feel that it’s not your right to moan about anything pregnancy or baby related.

I feel that I really shouldn’t moan about putting on weight, worries about giving birth, or the fear of sleepless nights.

And actually I don’t really.  Yep I’ve moaned to Jay a bit about my growing tummy aching in the night, or not being able to put my socks on without toppling over.  But generally I really try and hold on to the memory of how much I wanted and want this, and try and approach even the niggly bits with positivity and awe.

But one thing I struggle to get away from is The Fear.  The Fear of CHANGE, and from reading pregnancy forums, I am not alone.

For the last 4 years all I have known is life as a breakfast radio presenter.  For the 4 years before that all I knew was working in radio news.  And before that 2 universities and a load of different jobs, some in media, some not.

Basically I have worked non-stop since the age of 18.

And now this about to change.

Life as a radio presenter is weird.  Brilliant but weird.

We work on a self employed basis, contract to contract.  Every year The Fear is there that you may not be renewed, but The Fear is soon replaced by a feeling of calm and safety when you know you’re ok for another year.  Even if that does mean getting up at 4am for another 12 months.

I consider myself ridiculously priviledged to have co-hosted a breakfast show.  I get to wake people up, play them music and generally muck around and hopefully make them smile for 4 hours a day.  It’s also the most legitimate reason EVER to talk too much – which apparently I’ve done since birth.  Oh and get paid for it.

So to think that this won’t be the sole purpose of my life anymore, scares me.

Before I go any further, I want to do what I often do during my ramblings, and pre-empt the responses that I will get to this, now;

‘having a baby is the best thing you’ll ever do’

‘there’s more to life than work’

‘you can pick your career up again later on’

‘believe me when your baby is here, all your ambition will disappear anyway’

All of these have been said to me already.  And I agree AND disagree with them all in one way or another.

But that doesn’t stop The Fear…

The Fear that I will suddenly only be ‘mum’…

The Fear that people won’t consider me an individual anymore …

The Fear that Jay’s career will fly, whilst mine sits on a back burner …

The Fear that I will lose the art of intelligent conversation and be reduced to a single-minded stream of baby related topics like nipple cream and sleep patterns …

The Fear that after being a ridiculously driven and ambitious human being since aged 5 (when I wanted to be Lois Lane) I will simply melt into a shadow of my former self …

But here’s the tricky bit to get your head round after saying all that ……. all of the above I am also looking forward to WHOLE HEARTEDLY.

I want to be more than just a radio presenter now …

I’m ready to take on the challenge that my body was made for …

I want to have someone in my life who’s needs are more important than my own …

I want to have a reason to get up at 4am other than another drive to work …

 

I want to be all things.  A mother, a radio presenter, a career woman, a good partner/wife, and a happy person.

I think that’s all that any of us want.

And I’m trying to embrace The Fear.

They say do something every day that scares you?  Well this impending journey terrifies me.

But I can’t bloody wait.

 

Charlie

x

 

 

Doing what I love

Doing what I love

 

26 Weeks

Evening!  Well I’ve just come round from a two hour snooze and thought I should do something productive with the few hours that remain of today – and I haven’t blogged in a while so here I am, hello.

I thought I’d just write down a few bits about where I am at with my pregnancy.  I cringe at the thought of being a ‘baby bore’ but I guess you can stop reading right now if you want to!

I think any woman with a visible baby bump gets asked the same questions day in day out – so here are the answers along with some pictures.  Enjoy :)

 

How far along am I?

I gave this one away in the title didn’t I?!  The full answer is 26 weeks and 4 days.  Pregnant ladies always know the exact amount for some reason!  For someone who is dreadful with dates I’m doing well!  I’m into the 6 month I think this means, will start the third trimester in a couple of weeks and am due 7th Feb.

Bump 26 weeks + 4 days, excuse bathroom selfie but I am only one here!

Bump 26 weeks + 4 days, excuse bathroom selfie but I am only one here!

 

 

Do we know the sex?

Nope!  And I’m so so glad we resisted finding out! Jay never weakened and has never wanted to know.  Nor have I, except I did have a few fleeting moments of curiosity killing me, because I am one of those people that has to know EVERYTHING.  But the further along I get the more pleased I am that we won’t find out until bubba is actually here. A lot of parents-to-be say that they don’t feel they can bond with their unborn child not knowing if it’s a girl or boy.  And everyone is different.  I feel like I’m bonding so much though and I chat to baby about if it’s pink or blue!  I really am so excited.

 

Have I had any cravings?

Yes and no.  More than cravings, I’ve had some serious aversions, literally since week 4.  Before I was pregnant I was eating very very healthily and had a good vegetarian diet that consisted of loads of fresh fruit and veggies and lots of good fats like avocados.  Mmmm most of that has gone out of the window! In the first 17/18 weeks I couldn’t stomach broccoli, carrots, bananas, avocados, smoothies and generally anything healthy!  All I wanted was starchy carbs and chocolate!  Things have settled down slightly and I can now eat a lot more veggies, but only if they’re grilled or roasted.  Boiled is a big no no still.  Ugh.

I posted about this on my facebook page last night actually and a lot of my friends responded with the cravings they’d had in pregnancy.  Here are my favourites;

Louise: Oh my god I love fish and veg and I went off both!!!

Lucy: It happens to the best of us! I hardly touched a vegetable during pregnancy…Cheesy crisps was all I ever wanted. Weird!!!

Paula:  I ate ice! By the bucket

Amy: Orange flavoured chocolate for me!!

As things settle down my only real craving now is very cold drinks and lots of them.  I’m trying to only allow myself the odd fizzy drink at the weekend, although you can’t beat a good pint of orange and lemonade with tonnes of ice!

I took this pic a few weeks ago when Jay went out to buy the three things that I was really craving;

cravings - fairly balanced diet I'd say?!

cravings – fairly balanced diet I’d say?!

 

 

Have we bought any baby stuff yet?

Yep, loads!  And I’m really enjoying it now. I spent most of the first 20 weeks in a very anxious state of being after our previous problems and couldn’t enjoy the idea of buying stuff.  I think the turning point came for me at 22 weeks when I saw my Consultant for another check up.

He said; ‘I probably won’t be able to see you much more now because I am afraid to say that you are now classed as normal’

I can honestly say I have never been more happy to be called ‘normal’ in my life! It was at this point I decided to relax and allow myself to buy a few bits like this cutie;

 

Couldn't resist

Couldn’t resist

 

I’ve now got a few newborn clothes but I don’t want to go too mad because we don’t know if it’s girly or boy baby yet and I know that they grow out of stuff so quickly!

We’ve already bought our pram and travel system which is boxed up in the dining room, and I’m ITCHING to get it out!  We went for the Graco Evo system, which is by no means considered one of the ‘trendy’ brands I don’t think – but quite simply I found it the most comfortable to push around in the shop!  I have read some bad reviews though about the carseat which concern me slightly.  We’ll just have to wait and see I think.

The cot and nursery furniture is ordered and arriving in December and I’ve bought a few bits to decorate the cot and nursery. I was so excited when this box arrived!

 

Nursery bits n bobs

Nursery bits n bobs

 

This lot is from Mothercare who I’m finding brilliant I have to say, and it’s so easy to order online.  We’ve decided to go for a bright animal theme. I love some of the more neutral design schemes that you can go for, but we feel it’s really important to have bright interesting things for baby to look at.  I’m hoping that I’m growing a child genius in here!

This by the way is the room that is going to be the nursery …..

 

clear out time!

clear out time!

 

I got my lovely mum round to help me start sorting it out the other day – she’s much more efficient than me.  Still a bit to do but we’re getting there!

Although we want to get the nursery all ready before Christmas, we fully intend on having the baby in with us, probably for the first 6 months as I hope to breastfeed.  On Saturday we are off to The Baby Lady in Canterbury to pick up a Snuzpod by The Little Green Sheep!  I’m so flipping excited.  It’s a bedside sleeper – so you just pop the Snuzpod next to your bed and the side has velcro, so you can literally roll baby into bed with you to feed without actually sleeping in the same bed, which is recommended by UNICEF and FSID.  They look lovely too – I’ll post some pics when we have it up and running, but in the meantime ….

 

The Snuzpod

The Snuzpod

 

Other things I’ve bought include an electric breastpump, because a bit later on I’d like for Jay to help out with the odd feed.  Oh we’ve also bought some nappies and wipes on offer.  It really is worth shopping around to see what deals people have got.  These things aren’t cheap are they?!

 

Is the baby active?

Yes!  I love feeling it’s kicks, punches and rolls!  Over the last couple of weeks I’ve really noticed them getting stronger and can now see my tummy moving, which always seems to happen in meetings!

I’ve been reading a lot about how important it is to get to know your baby’s own movement pattern, because a change or reduction in movement can mean problems that need checking out right away.  I follow Count The Kicks   on their website and facebook page because their information is INVALUABLE.  If you’re pregnant, they are really worth a look at.

I find things that get baby moving are cold drinks, lying or sitting down and playing music to it!  Jay treated me to some BellyBuds – which is a specially designed and safe system to play music and even recorded messages to your bubs!

I took this picture quite a few weeks back now;

 

Baby enjoying a musical session!

 

 

Have I had the flu jab?

Quite a few women have asked me this on twitter actually.  I think it feels like a hard decision to make when you really start thinking about it.  Initially I really wasn’t keen on the idea of putting a vaccination into my body where my baby is growing, especially after losing my previous two pregnancies.  And when you start googling about  possible negative effects, you come across all sorts of hideous stories!  So I had a chat with the midwife who assured me that it’s completely safe.  She was also very firm with me and literally said that newborn babies can die from flu.  So that was all I needed to hear.

The jab in itself was fine, over in a second.  I couldn’t lie on my left arm for three days, but that’s a small price to pay for my baby’s health.  I will also be having the whooping cough jab in a couple of weeks time.

 

 

Right, I think I’ve ‘baby-bored’ you for long enough! They are the main questions that I’m getting asked at the mo!

I’m sure I’ll be back with more very soon – and as always I love to hear from you and your stories and opinions!

Charlie

xx

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The beautiful Champneys, Henlow

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