I’m so sorry for the recent neglect. I have missed you. Honestly I have.
But I’ve been up to my eyes in feeding, nappies, winding and trying to work out how to be the best I can in my new life.
My new life as a mummy.
Before becoming a mummy I was always slightly judgmental – thinking that when women became mums for the first time, it was all they could talk about. And I was right. And I am now one of those people.
Because this is the most all-consuming job I’ve ever had. And that’s ok.
Wow. Three weeks in and I’m still fairly shell shocked. I know women have been doing this since the beginning of time and I’m nothing new, and certainly nothing special. But when it happens to you it IS new and it IS special so so special. And at times, so so hard!
For those of you who I’ve not already bored on social media – I gave birth to my perfect and tiny son Noah George Francis on 2nd Feb in the early hours of the morning. He weighed just 5lbs 4 oz. Bless him.
You really don’t need to read the gory ins and outs of my birth story – but I will say that a good and positive labour ended up being fairly scary and traumatic towards the end. Noah’s heart rate dropped suddenly and I had to get him out, and fast. I had a forceps delivery with a lot of people in the room, which was definitely not on my birth plan. But three weeks on I am accepting of the fact that he is safe and well thanks to the amazing staff who knew what had to be done.
So how has life changed? Well every parent will know that everything changes to such an extent it’s actually hard to describe. I never knew I could love so much and so unconditionally. I didn’t know that my heart could break seeing my baby boy crying and not knowing how to stop it. I had no idea that I could love my fiancé even more because he is such a wonderful Dad. And I didn’t anticipate how much I would doubt my own abilities as a mother at times.
I also hadn’t quite grasped how little sleep I’d get, how long it can take to get out of the house and how drying my hair would become a luxury. I never thought my perfect Valentine’s Day would be snuggled up on the sofa with my fiancé and my tiny son. I didn’t ever anticipate that the day I managed to get my baby to breastfeed for the first time would feel like my biggest achievement to date, bigger than any degree, exam or job. I never realised that a group of girls I met just weeks ago through NCT would become such a wonderful support network in these early weeks.
I had no idea that a tiny little smile (it could be wind) at 3am would melt my heart and make me forget the desperate tiredness. I didn’t know how much I’d laugh every day at Jay for falling alseep in the oddest places and positions (see photo below). No one told me that I’d be terrified all day long of irrational dangers that could hurt my new tiny son and that I would lie awake on the rare occasions he actually sleeps – checking compulsively that he is breathing.
It’s the most magical and yet the hardest job in the world – full of contradictions, conflicts and opposition. Every day I get slightly more confident, and look forward to a few weeks time when I hope I’ll be navigating the world of parenting more easily. And yet I am already scared of time flying by and me missing all the moments.
Wow – parents of the world I salute you. My parents who raised five of us so brilliantly, you are my heroes. To all of you who bother to read my blogs, tweets and facebooks and offer words of wisdom and advice – I read every single piece and I respect you for your knowledge and your willingness to share.
So into another week I go – still not quite believing that after everything, I am blessed to be a Mummy. (And wondering at what point I can allow myself a tiny glass of wine!)
ps check out my blogs for BabyCentre here ….
pps our vlogs are here – and there will be a baby one soon :)