How to get a restaurant to yourself in 5 easy steps …

Fed up with going to a restaurant and having to sit next to other people? Actual strangers?

Well here’s how to remedy that in 5 simple steps:

  1. Arrange to meet at least 4 other parent type people at the same time, in the same eating establishment (if you don’t have a kid – borrow one, plenty of your parent type friends will be more than willing to loan one out.)
  2. When you reach establishment make AS MUCH NOISE AND DISTURBANCE AS YOU CAN when it comes to finding a suitable spot.  This involves crashing your over loaded pushchair and changing bags into as many occupied chairs as possible, talking loudly to your parent friends over your squealing babies and scratching chairs around as much as you can in order to fit your gaggle of parent friends and squawking children in.
  3. Then proceed to make even MORE noise by singing annoying nursery rhymes to pacify grumpy children / talking loudly over said grumpy children to their adult owners about breastfeeding or any other relatively dull parenting topic / dragging out annoying musical toys that play ‘she’ll be coming round the mountain’ over and over and over …
  4. Start breastfeeding – this is absolutely guaranteed to create even MORE space around you.
  5. Over stay your welcome – this is a sure fire way to make other diners eat up really quickly.  Offer your mini people a choice of three different purées, an extensive range of finger foods that take them years to eat PLUS dessert.  Order three coffees and two pieces of cake – really make the most of your time with your parent friends and noisy babies.

And voilà – there you have it – an empty restaurant, all to yourself!  It’s really very simple.

Enjoy ;)



The mirage of motherhood

You’re in the dessert.  You’ve been walking for hours.  You’re tired – so so tired.  And thirsty – so damn thirsty.

And there it is, in front of you. Shimmering like a vast trove of beautiful treasure.  WATER. All the water you need to quench that insatiable thirst and stave off that nagging tiredness.

Only it’s not real.

It’s a mirage.  A trick of the light.  A cruel game that the light and your eyes and your mind has played on you.  There is no water.  You’re still tired and you’re still fucking thirsty.

It’s a bit like being a Mum.

You wake up in the morning (morning being 5am) naively optimistic about the day ahead.  Your baby will eat your homemade nutritional breakfast and will then nap without resisting for at least an hour, maybe 90 minutes! Oooh yes, 90 minutes – and you’ll be able to not only get some housework done but your Davina DVD workout too!  And maybe even a cup of coffee?!  WINNING!

Erm, yep all that you just read above is the ‘mirage of motherhood’.

The more likely scenario is grouchy evil baby (because they think the day starts at 5am) will throw most of your delicious porridge and fruit combo on the floor.  The other bits will be smeared around his tiny face, splattered through his hair and mulched into every tiny corner of the high chair.

He will then utterly refuse to nap, despite being so tired his baby eye bags are practically on the floor. After a wasted hour feeding / rocking / shushing / trying to bribe a 6 month old with promises of sweets and pocket money in 5 years time – you’ll be reduced to chucking on your grotty jogging bottoms from the laundry basket, chucking the baby in the pram and heading out into the rain to get the baby to FRIGGING GO TO SLEEP!

But for some insane reason – the mirage continues.

As you walk off your morning stress, whilst carefully pushing the pram with one hand and grappling with a broken umbrella in the other – you positively visualise the afternoon’s activities.

It’s ok – you can see it! Your baby will wake up refreshed and lovely after their pram nap.

They will entertain themselves on their baby gym for half an hour while you manage a shower, to dry your hair, put make up on AND maybe even a cup of coffee?! WINNING!

Ok – I’m not even going to bore you will the reality of what will really happen. Coz you know, don’t you?

You live it- EVERY DAY.

The ‘mirage of motherhood’ continues.  It’s how we get through.  We keep telling ourselves that today is the day that we will achieve the unattainable.  And perhaps even get to shout about it on Instagram too?!

But until that day happens – just keep faking and believing.  Believing and faking.

To hell with it – make yourself feel better by Instagramming a picture of the only one single tiny tidy pretty corner of your house.  Trust me all the other mums will think ‘how the hell does she do it?!’

It’s all part of the mirage of motherhood.


Look at my beautiful Instagrammy house ... ok, it's all bollocks but it made me feel better

Look at my beautiful Instagrammy house … ok, it’s all bollocks but it made me feel better


7 months old

7 month update

    Yep I’ve reached the stage where I’m now counting Noah’s age in months rather than weeks!  It’s funny how that happens. Well my little boy is 7 whole months old next week so I thought it was time to do a little blog update rather than just keep posting bits on Facebook and […]

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Because I love you


At 5 o’clock this morning I tried to put you back in your cot after your first feed.  You were having none of it and cried, so I gently put you in the bed next to me.  Within seconds you were fast asleep with your tiny arm over my body.  It made my heart melt. […]

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Babycademy Music Time – Review


Noah loves it! It became very clear to me from early on that he just LOVES singing and song time (even though I have a terrible voice, babies don’t judge thank God!)

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My top 10 breastfeeding tips

top 10 breastfeeding tips

Next week, not only do I celebrate 6 whole months of being Mama to Noah – but also 6 whole months of breastfeeding – give or take a couple of days in the beginning. I’m always a little bit hesitant to write about breastfeeding because mothers who don’t or didn’t breastfeed often seem to take […]

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Pressure to be perfect …

pressure to be perfect diptic

I’ve always been a perfectionist – it’s a curse. Not with stuff like my carpet being fluff free and my bedspread being at perfect angles (I am actually quite messy) – but perfect in ‘myself’. As a child and teenager I was always desperate to get ‘perfect’ marks at school.  ‘B’ wasn’t good enough, nor […]

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The difference a year makes …

difference a year makes diptic

Yesterday I was sorting through old pictures on my computer and  I came across one from exactly a year ago to the day. From my calculations I must have been 7/8 weeks pregnant with Noah (seriously HOW big was my tummy so early on?!) Seeing the photo with my tummy covered in injection bruises brought […]

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Mummy – you’re doing a great job

mummy great job diptic

As a new mum I have a lot of conversations with other mums – new mums like me and those with older children.  But it doesn’t matter how old the children are – there is always one common theme – guilt.  And a sense of not doing things ‘right’. It makes me a bit sad […]

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10 reasons my baby is like a teenager

baby like a teenager diptic

    Reason number 1: He has absolutely NO consideration for personal hygiene.  Today he did a poo that went up to his shoulders.  His actual shoulders. Reason number 2: His room is a mess.  Toys, books, clothes everywhere.  I keep telling him it’s his job to keep it clean and tidy.  Clearly not listening […]

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