Probably one of my best hidden secrets is that I never think I am enough. Ever.
On the surface I think I come across confident, self assured and like I’ve got it sussed. And in some ways this is all true. I know how to speak to a room of 5, or 5,000 people. But that doesn’t mean I believe in myself, inside.
Since I can remember – I’ve never thought I’m good enough.
Even my earliest memories – dancing competitions aged 3, I always assumed everyone else would be better than me and I took that attitude through my whole dancing career until my sense of inferiority made me stop altogether.
Now aged 35 it’s so ingrained in me I just accept it as part of ‘me’.
But when I stop and really think about it – my inferiority complex has held me back. It’s meant I’ve earned less than I should have done, not pushed myself to chase my dreams and got myself into some volatile situations where other humans have seriously exploited me.
And it’s really time I worked on it.
I’m not sure where it’s come from – if it’s a nature or nurture thing. I think perhaps a bit of both.
I come from a very modest family. We were always taught to have humility and to be gracious to others. I think perhaps I took it too far.
In every situation I ever find myself in – my auto response is to assume I’ll be the least talented, the ugliest, the ‘worst’.
It’s often also called ‘imposter syndrome’ – something that especially affects women.
I never believed I was good enough to be on the radio, and as a result I held back and didn’t push my career to where I wanted it to go.
When I walk into a room full of people, especially a room of mums or women I automatically assume that no one will want to talk to me.
I hold back on publishing vlogs and videos – because who wants to see me when I’m so damn boring? In fact loads just sit unpublished on my mac for that very reason.
Each time I ask a friend or someone I know if they want to meet up socially I assume it will be a ‘no’ and that they will have far more exciting plans – and as a result I often fit round them, even if it’s not convenient for me.
As someone who is incredibly interested in self improvement – I know this is something I need to work on, so perhaps in my 40’s I can live more assertively. I am the best person at lifting others up, highlighting their talents and encouraging them to go chase their dreams. But when it comes to doing that for myself – I suck.
But then a part of me asks – is it such a bad thing?
I know so many people – who have such high self esteem that it actually alarms me. People who seem to lack any humility whatsoever – and I find that so unattractive and incredibly unnerving. I like seeing the vulnerable side of people – the flaws. They make us human.
But what I DO know is I can’t pass this sense of not being good enough onto my children. I want to pass on to them the values my parents instilled in us – modesty, humility and never thinking you’re too good.
But equally I want them to value themselves and their talents. To push to achieve and to shatter those glass ceilings.
I wonder if it’s possible to do all those things?